I have something to say that has been bugging me since it happened. I'm posting this because I can't think of anywhere else to post it. I need to tell someone, and since I have no one but you guys, I'm posting this here. Yes there are ponies, and no there is no tl:dr.
so here is some back story on my life.
I had an abusive stepfather. there are many memories from watching him get drunk to beating me, to beating my mother, and a lot of other fucked up shit he did. We were constantly moving around, never staying in one place for long so there was no way I could make friends. This lasted since I was born for 8-9 years. I remember this one time, I was 6-7 and I was cowering in the corner of the basement, looking up, watching him beat my mom because she got in the way to stop him from beating me. I can never get this out of my head, and every once in a while I get a flashback of it and others randomly.
It has been 12 years since I’ve seen this him. 4 months ago He found one of my siblings FB accounts, and he wanted to see us. Skipping a lot of details, They all went, and my mom even forgave him. I stayed home wondering why they would even bother trying to forgive him. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. He wanted to see us again, especially me. He was begging practically, asking for forgiveness for what he's done and such. Only me, my bro, mom, and new stepdad went, to meet him at a restaurant. I thought with all the support with me I'd be able to handle the encounter better. I took my headphones, I decided for some reason to take the rainbow dash toy from mcdonalds with me, and kept her in my pocket.
We arrive at the restaurant and get out when I find out that only me and my brother are going in, and mom and stepdad were going across the street to wait for me. All the confidence I had built up suddenly disappeared. I felt like rainbow dash before the young flyer competition. I must have made this apparent on my face even though I tried to hide it, because my mom tells me that it isn't too late to go back. I reached for my pocket and held onto rainbow dash. I say fuck it, we're already here in as normal a tone as possible but in my mind I'm terrified. We enter the restaurant, turned the corner and there he is sitting at the table.
He saw us, turns around spots us, gets up and comes toward us and then hands out his hand for a handshake. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, to grab a chair and beat him with it, to grab a steak knife off of one of the customer’s plates and stab him. But I didn't. I just took the handshake, while barely being able to look at him directly in the eyes, my other hand was in my pocket tight around rainbow dash. It took absolutely every fiber of my being to go and keep looking into his eyes without bursting into tears. He bought the buffet for us and I got a plate of food and I tried to eat.
Here I am sitting in front of the guy that used to torment and beat me just because I walked through the door, and I realize I’m basically eating lunch with him. nothing about the experience was enjoyable. normally I can eat anything but The food for some reason tastes like shit and I can't eat. It feels like every bite makes it harder to keep composure. He starts trying to make small talk trying to get into what I've been up to. He even tries bringing up some "good times" from back then. I couldn't hold it anymore. I excused myself and headed to the bathroom. I get into the farthest stall and I cried. 21 year old male, and here I am crying my eyes out silently in a bathroom stall. I now know the feeling when someone says or you read "and it felt like hours when it was only minutes" kind of thing. Because I felt like I was in there crying for hours. I hit play on my phone and listened to pinkie pie giggle at the ghostly, while I washed my face, trying to cover up that I was crying. the song finished and I headed back outside.
He went and tried talking again, trying to sound friendly and saying that he's sorry and he wished it didn't happe---bullshit. What happened next was the scariest and possibly the bravest thing I've ever done.
I cut him off mid sentence, sat up straight, looked at him straight in the eyes. I told him how many shrinks I've had to go to, how hard it's been to simply make conversations with people But I said all this to him as calmly as I could muster. I retold him of some of the beatings. remembering almost every detail, I even told him the time of day and how much sun was coming in through the window. I told him the many times I wanted him dead and how even right at this moment I wanted him dead. I told him all of this while looking straight at him, gripping rainbow in my hand, my body shaking from fear and adrenaline. The entire time I was there my brother didn't say a word and just let me talk. I got up from the table and left somehow managing to keep it together long enough to get outside before sobbing uncontrollably heading to the car.
The car ride home I broke down. I pulled my hand out of my pocket, and realized that I was squeezing the rainbow dash toy so hard, that it was perfectly indented onto the skin on my hand. I put on my headphones, had giggle at the ghostly on loop trying hard to listen to the words, but couldn't. All the while I was petting rainbow dash. At first I couldn't and kept crying scared out of my mind from what I just did, while trying to giggle and chortle and everything pinkie pie said to do. The song kept going and I was still petting rainbow dash and trying to sing along. Eventually I had calmed down enough to hear...
"she said, pinkie you gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears"
It took me a little while to realize it. Slowly but surely I giggled, chortled, whooped it up, cracked up, practically yelling the lyrics while laughing, petting rainbow dash and even messing with her hair. I realized right then, that I got dressed for, ate lunch with and while looking him straight in the eye, told off my greatest fear, to his face.
Quelle
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