BREAKING NEWS!!! The Real Reason PSN Is Down!
Date: April 20th, Time: 8:40
It was a cold, clammy, morning. Kevin Butler was on his way to Sony headquarters. The smile on his face seemed somewhat unwarranted, due to the gloomy clouds shielding mankind from sunlight. As he made his exit off the highway, he was stopped by a train crossing. Confident he would be waiting for a minute or two; he reached into his pocket and pulled out his new Sony Ericsson.
“Time to make the public smile!” he said with a grin almost as long as the PlayStation 2’s life span. He jumped on his twitter account and was met with a shocking surprise. “A checkmark? A CHECKMARK!” yelled the well-groomed Sony employee. “That’s what I’ll tell them!” He tweeted, “Check out KB’s new Twitter page Checkmark. That’s right, I just verified Twitter. I think it stands a chance.” Little did he know, that would be his finally moment of happiness.
As the train cars came to an end, Kevin’s path was once again cleared. Slowly, he made his way over the tracks, not realizing the truck speeding up behind him. The sound of pulverized asphalt alerted the VP of the trucks situation.
Fearing for his life, he yelled, “SON OF A MAG!”
Desperate to avoid any contact, Butler summoned all of his Gran Torismo 5 experience, and jetted forward. He traveled for about 2 miles with the truck hot on his heels. Realizing he could not outrun this monstrous vehicle. He pummeled the brakes, and skid into an ally way. The truck driver, blissfully unaware of Kevin’s drastic maneuver, continued past the ally at break neck speed. However, KB was one step ahead, and was able to read the side of the truck as it passed.
What Kevin saw was unthinkable. Frozen in fear, he began to tremble as he spoke the name that the truck advertised so proudly.
“Microsoft…”
“What could this mean?” he wondered. He knew that Sony had the upper hand with software this year, but never expected Microsoft would take this console rivalry to such a level. His kind heart however, unable to fathom such an evil act, reassured him that this was just an accident. He re-entered his car, and made his way to work with two minutes to spare.
“It’s go time.” He said has he closed the car door behind him. With a solder-like march, he approached the front doors of the Sony Corporation of America. As his hand reached for the door, he paused. He sensed something was wrong. This gut instinct, developed from years of Helgast slaughtering, has never let him down. Chills creped down his spine. His heart was beating faster than ever. Unsure about what he should do next, he stood frozen. Then, out of nowhere, a hand landed on KB’s shoulder.
“WHAT THE BLU-RAY!” shouted the traumatized VP.
“Whoa, sorry Kev, didn’t mean to scare you.”
It was Jack Tretton; the president and CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment America.
“Oh it’s OK Jack, I’m just a little jumpy today” said KB.
“Ha, I can see why” replied Jack
“What do you mean?” asked the puzzled VP.
“Well it’s your first time getting to work early this week, and you’re the first person here. Even I didn’t see that coming.” Jack said with a smirk on his face.
Kevin Butler, quickly noticing that he forgot his phone in the car, asked Jack,
“Hey would you mind going in first, I left something in the car.” He turned and headed back to the parking lot, when all of a sudden hell broke loose.
As Jack Tretton opened the front door to start a fresh day at work, an explosion went off. Shards of glass violently spread through the air as Kevin dove to the ground.
“Jack!” he yelled as the CEO was vaporized right in front of him.
As Butler’s speechless body slowly crawled backwards, he began to shake once more. Terrified for his life he got up and began to run back to his car.
“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” screamed Kevin, believing that this was all a bad dream. Suddenly, his eyes caught a glimpse of a red light shinning off one of the car mirrors next to him. As his curious eyes lead his head upward, he saw, perched on the roof adjacent to him, two men armed with rifles.
As shots were fired, Kevin leaped behind his car. In this surreal moment of utter desperation, something snapped inside of him. He wasn’t going to cower anymore. The weak, playful, E-rated Butler was gone, and left was a shell of a man wanting revenge; revenge with an M rating.
He open his back door and dove in. Scrambling through the mess of phone books and pictures of himself, as bullets were raining around him, he put his phone in his pocket, and found exactly what he needed. It could be said that Kevin Butler never came out of that car; because what emerged was quite the opposite. Drenched in the sweat of excitement, Butler himself pulled out the PlayStation Move Sharp Shooter. Kevin was ready for action. As he dodged the gunfire like they were copies of Halo novels, he fired back with HIS weapon of choice.
Surprisingly, the men fell off the roof and landed in a patch of grass about 30 steps away from him. One, with a bullet wound straight through the eye, was killed on contact, but the other was gasping for air and holding his chest. Kevin had sent 2 shots into the final gunman’s stomach.
Unsatisfied with the carnage that lay before him, Kevin looked down disgusted at the assassin, and aimed his sharp shooter. What Kevin saw next changed everything. The gunman, who was struggling just to get to his knees, had a Microsoft tattoo on his left arm.
Perplexed at the unexpected discovery, Kevin asked, “Why are you here? Did Microsoft send you?”
“Very good.” The gunman said with a sarcastic tone.
“Just shut-up!” demanded Kevin. “I just whooped your ass. I guess Microsoft’s employees aren’t even able to handle a handsome VP like myself.”
“HAHAHAHAHAH!!!” laughed the gunman who was now reaching into his pocket. “You think Microsoft would send us here without a back-up plan?”
“What are you babbling about!?!” said Kevin with demeaning tone.
The gunman pulled out a remote from his pocket and explained its function. It was able to shut down the entire PlayStation Network, shatter the security system, and steal everyone’s private information. The gunman, threatening to activate it, staggered to his feat.
“You let me go, and you won’t have to lose your precious network.” stated the gunman with authority. “What do you say, do we have a deal?”
Kevin paused, but then broke out another grin.
“Do you think I got to level 80 in Uncharted 2, by falling pray to ridiculous bluffs? Wel, do you!?! We have the best security systems in the world, anything short of Anonymous will do nothing.” scoffed Butler.
“Who do you think designed this? Anonymous has been working closely with us all these years!” stated the gunman with authority.
“Oh, please.” said Kevin, and he knocked the gunman back to the ground.
“Your loss, TAKE THIS!” Shouted the gunman, and he pressed the button.
At that moment, Kevin pulled out his vibrating phone. He was being bombarded on twitter with WTF’s and OMG’s. He knew the network had fallen.
The VP grabbed the gunman by the collar, and yelled, “WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? WHY MESS WITH THE GAMERS!?”
The gunman smiled, and in his last words he said, “
We had no exclusives this year, but now we have the biggest exclusive of all, ONLINE PLAY! HAHAHA!”
Kevin Butler, tired of gunman’s annoying voice, shot him once more. The Sony VP then turned around. He was now facing the destruction that Jack Tretton took head on, and was quickly saddened.
“What have I done?” questioned Butler.
At that moment, Kevin Butler, the VP of everything Sony, fell to his knees. Knowing he failed at saving Jack was one thing, but the entire PlayStation Network was down, and everyone was suffering. He lifted the PlayStation Move Sharp Shooter to his head, and was ready to end his trouble. But suddenly, he realized what must be done. He sprang to his feet and swore that he would avenge everyone.
He proudly stated, “
I WILL FIX PSN, I WILL MAKE OUR EXCLUSIVES EVEN BETTER, AND I WILL SINGLE HANDEDLY WIN THE CONSOLE WAR! THIS IS SONY!!!”
), aber kA ob du solche Tiere jemals hattest (wir hatten bei meinen Eltern Hühner), aber ich wurde als Kind schonmal vom Hahn weggejagt ;-)
opcorn: