* Subject: Revenge of the Blogger (Inspired by Actual Events)
INT. DIMLY-LIT BASEMENT
A shadowy figure is illuminated in silhouette by the ghostly glow of a computer monitor. Low mumbling is heard. Mumbles. Rumbles. A fart, rips out across the stale subterranean air. The mass shifts in what is clearly a seat, the camera zooms in.
A nasal voice is heard.
BASEMENT BLOGGER
(Panicked)
No... NO! I can't lose at Slayer! No! It can't be! I didn't fit this catheter for nothing! NO!
HALO ANNOUNCER
Lost the lead!
Round over!
BASEMENT BLOGGER:
NO! You will pay for this insolence! None shall defeat me! I am a King and Xbox Live is my domain! You insipid fools dare to challenge me?! You DARE change the Sword? You will pay for this, Bungie... Oh how you will pay...
Lightning cracks in the distance, the camera swings around to the front of the player, clutching a controller and wearing a Live headset. The lightning illuminates a hideous, acne-ridden face with what appears to be a crown fashioned from cheetos upon a sweaty brow.
BASEMENT BLOGGER
Yes, Bungie! Come now in all your power and face the wrath... of MY BLOG!
XBOX LIVE PLAYER
Dude, will you shut up? Or at least mute your headset, seriously. -blam!-.
INT - DIMLY-LIT BASEMENT - THE NEXT DAY
The Blogger sits on a throne made of empty mountain dew cans and half-eaten Hot Pockets. He shifts his Jabba-like mass to one side, revealing a bag of cheetos in one of his folds. He grabs the bag and eats them in one monstrous bite. Then, shifting to the opposite side, he retrieves a keyboard from underneath a massive man-boob.
BASEMENT BLOGGER
Yes... Now with my mighty weapon I will smote thee, Bungie! Not even your precious Ling Ling will escape my wrath!
The Blogger's screen is shown, he is writing an article. "You Heard It Here First! Bungie to leave Microsoft!"
BASEMENT BLOGGER
Yes... YES! It's PERFECT
MOTHER
Harooold! Take out the trash!
BASEMENT BLOGGER
(irate)
Not now, Mother! I am exacting righteous vengeance upon these fools!
MOTHER
Harold, you're behind on your chores, and you need to get out of the house!
BASEMENT BLOGGER
Fine! But you will rue the day you crossed me! The blog is mightier than the sword!
MOTHER
And call in the refill on your medication, too!
Fade to black.
Text appears on screen: "Three Hours Later"
A panting blogger slithers back into his chair, clearly exhausted from what must've been a tremendous journey to the curb and back. He extracts the keyboard from between two rotted pizzas and resumes.
BASEMENT BLOGGER
It is so perfect... no game developer can withstand this implication! They will have no choice but to bow to my demands!
The camera pulls back from the blogger, cackling into the dead of the night.
INT - BUNGIE STUDIOS SOUL EXTRACTION CHAMBER - THE NEXT DAY
Frankie, Ske7ch, and Lukems are swimming in a sea of $100 bills. They are surrounded by a harem of beautiful women and midget servants dressed in MJOLNIR armor.
FRANKIE
Guys, check this out, some blogger is demanding we change the game so he can win all the time.
SKE7CH
Lemme see that... He's threatening to make everyone think we're going to break up with Microsoft. You thinking what I'm thinking?
ALL THREE
Catapult.
As credits roll, Jabba is loaded into a massive catapult and flung into the sun.
THE END.
*Note: This is a work of bored fiction meant only for amusement, primarily mine. The blogger portrayed herein is fictional, I didn't even read that article on account of it being from some back-alley blog.
* 10.01.2007 10:40 PM PDT
* this us
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=13335944&postRepeater1-p=1#13338615